The Key is Not Outside!

I picked up a really good book the other day by one of my favorite author's Jack Canfield. In it he shares a sobering story:


There was a man who is out walking one night and comes upon another man down on his knees looking for something under a streetlamp. The passerby inquires asto what the other man is looking for. He answers the he is looking for his lost key. The passerby offers to help and gets down on his knees and helps him search for the key. After an hour of fruitless searching, he says, "We've looked everywhere for it and we haven't found it. Are you sure that you lost it here?"


The other man replies, "No, I lost it in my house, but there is more light out here under the streetlamp."


This hit me like a ton of bricks and made me realize that when life circumstances aren't going my way or I'm not receiving the results I want, its time to take a good look in the mirror and find out what it is I'm doing that is causing undesirable results. Afterall, the answers aren't outside of myself, they only lie within.


If you aren't in a relationship with the love of your life, is it possible there is something you are doing that is the cause of this outcome? Are you working too much and not allowing space in your life for a mate? Is your negative attitude about dating hindering you and holding you back from meeting someone new? Are you making excuses about not getting out more and meeting new people? Are you being really truthful with yourself when you say you want a serious relationship when in actuality, you really don't?


It's so easy to point the finger at someone else and say that its their fault life is the way it is for us, but where does that action really get us? Blame and excuses just beget more blame and excuses. I'm sure we can all take an honest look at some of our past relationships and see how it is that our behavior drew that person into our lives', for better or for worse. There was most likely an attitude or thought pattern we had that attracted that person to us and yet, when the relationship didn't work out and we were hurt as a result, we blamed the other person. When in actuality, we were (and are) the ones 100% responsible for the current circumstances of our lives' whether we wanted them or not.


So, with Jack's little anecdote in mind, if your dating life needs some resurrecting, its time to get inside and do a little Spring cleaning! Clear up the clutter of those old thoughts that are no longer serving you, dust off the dancing shoes, and clean up the negative attitude that's keeping Mr./Ms. Right at bay!


Sending you all spring wishes, sunshine kisses and taking absolutely no responsibility for your thoughts on this,

Kari

After This Blog...I'm Doomed!

I can't believe as a matchmaker I'm about to totally sell out, but I have to get this off my chest. After interviewing two women on my show who met their current husband's online, I have to tell you, they didn't seem any happier now that they found their life partner's than most single people I know.

In fact, when I asked author Jane Coloccia who wrote the riveting, "Confessions of an Online Dating Addict" if she had any regrets during her eight year span of online dating, she said, "I wish I had appreciated being single more." She went on to say that that's not to say she would give up her husband or ever want to go back to being single, but she admitted there are some great things about being unattached that us single folks tend to overlook. "I now have to sleep next to someone who snores every night. You know, it's things like a peaceful night's sleep that you don't appreciate until you don't get them anymore!"

I tell people this all the time; there are plusses and minuses to both sides of the equation, being attached versus single, and the best way to get what you are wanting is to be grateful for what you have. Appreciate that you can leave a mess in the sink before going to bed and no one is there to nag you to clean it up. Be happy that you can completely hog up all the the bathroom space with your plethora of toiletries, make-up, perfumes and gadgets, with no one to chastise you or make you feel like the most self-absorbed person on the face of the planet. Shout out from the rooftops, "Woo hoo! There's a 3 part, 2 hour long each, documentary called "The Revelation of the Great Pyramids" and I'm going to drink beer, belch out loud and watch each and every one of them with no apologies!"

Speaking of apologies...be thrilled you aren't constantly in the proverbial doghouse having to beg your mate to forgive you for accidentally leaving the toilet seat up or for haphazardly throwing your sweaty gym clothes along the bedroom floor. Or for not paying attention to them when they told you about how their boss yelled at them in front of the whole marketing team today as you were fastidiously trying to get an important email sent.

What the Sam Hell am I doing? I'm supposed to be theorizing on all of the fabulously amazing reasons why you should be coupled up with someone and why hiring me to find them would be the best money you ever spent? Well, I suppose the jig is up...while I might be a pretty awesome matchmaker, apparently I suck as a businesswoman.

Are You a Jumper or An Abandoner?

I just had a conversation this afternoon with a girlfriend of mine about being on the precipice of action and what makes us decide to either jump in full steam ahead or abandon ship. She asked me, "So, what was it that made you take the leap and start your own business?" I said plain and simple, "Fear!"


Now let me explain, it wasn't "bad" fear, like "If I don't do this my life will crumble and I'll be a couch potato loser the rest of my life," but more of an excited, throw caution to the wind fear. Don't get me wrong, it was a fear that definitely held me in its grips before I acted that questioned and taunted me with thoughts like, "Do you really think you can do this, Kari?" and "Oh puhleeeeeze girlfriend, who the Sam Hell do you think you are to start a company and tell people what to do?" However, I knew it was a "healthy" fear because when I talked back to it, it morphed into an excited energy and lifted my spirits every time I thought about being the conduit to bringing people together in love. I mean c'mon, total awesomeness right? I swear to God, I don't know why everybody isn't in my line of work?


Looking back I realize I could have stayed stuck in the fear and not acted on my desire, but because it felt good to envision my business and seeing myself as an entrepreneur, I knew that I had to jump in with both feet. In fact, right before I hit the "create" button on my first website, as if out of the blue I heard someone whisper the old saying to me, "Feel the fear and do it anyway!" It was then I realized, I was the only commander of my ship and only I held the power to create my future. And if I didn't believe in myself, ain't nobody else was going to either.


If you've held onto my contact information for awhile now and felt trepidation about calling me to discuss my services for matchmaking, I would ask you to question yourself about what it is you're truly fearful of? Happiness? Possibilities? Being loved? Sometimes I think we're more afraid of the ways in which our lives could change for the better versus the worse!


There is a certain spirit you must have if you want to live a massively awesome life.

You have to jump in regardless of "what ifs!"

You have to poo poo your fears, doubts and worries (and everyone else's while you're at it).

You have to stop being precious about your reasons why not and start envisioning all the glorious possibilities of the imagine ifs!

And you have to fricken go for it!

Here's to jumping in with both feet!

"By the way, if we're going to date, you should probably know..."

I was taping my show today, "The Kari Adams Show" (Princeton TV30) and got into a sobering discussion with my producer as I was addressing questions for the "Ask Kari" segment of my show. (This is the special episode that will air from time to time where I field dating and relationship questions submitted by single folks like you. So be sure to email me any questions you may have).


As I was addressing one of the questions about honesty when it comes to dating, he immediately stopped recording and said, "I have to tell you, this has happened to me twice now where I'm literally pulling up to my dates' house to drop them off after dinner and they say to me, "By the way, you should probably know, I'm still separated and not officially divorced yet. Don't you think this is something that should be brought up before our date?"


My answer, "Abso-freakin-lutely!" We owe it to the people we date to be open and honest about fundamental issues like these before agreeing to go out with them. It's only fair people! If you think you will get your date to fall head over heels in love with you before divulging something important like a significant change in your appearance since the photo they saw of you, your age, your current marital status or the 53 cats that you live with, think again!


Okay...for giggles and grins, let's just say they did happen to fall for you before knowing this information, it won't soon be long before that house of cards comes crashing down, ultimately casting a huge shadow of doubt on your integrity, principles and honesty that your lover would be hardpressed to overlook.


Isn't it easier just to tell the truth from the get-go? Put the ball in their court and if they decide they would like to continue dating you based on what you disclosed, then you can rest easy knowing you provided them with information that they needed to know and the playing field has been evened.


We all detest false advertising and feeling as though we were douped. Respect your dates, as well as yourself, enough to be on the up and up about who you are and the circumstances in which you find yourself. Because, if you haven't already found this out, dating karma is a bitch!

Happy ....errrr...Valentine's Day?

I had such angst all day the other day as I contemplated over whether or not to blog. Let's talk about the elephant in the room, shall we? It was recently Valentine's Day and, yes, the majority of us were Valentine-less. The angel on my shoulder said, "Go ahead, write an upbeat, peppy blog in your cheeriest of cheery voices wishing everyone a happy Valentine's Day!"

The devil chimed in with, "Hell no! Don't do it Kari. The last thing you want to call attention to is a bloody holiday that celebrates all things mushy gushy, sweet nothings and declarations of everlasting love, reminding people that they're alone!" So what's a girl who makes a living finding love for the lovelorn to do?

To hell with it, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!! Whatever you were doing, whomever you were with, all that matters is love...sweet love! Maybe the love of your life hasn't walked into your life just yet, but I'm pretty damn sure you can make a list for me of the people in your life that you can honestly say you love. Yes, love comes in various forms and it doesn't always include fireworks or earth movement, but there it is nonetheless, available to you whenever you need it - even if that means you have to give it to yourself!

We are so very blessed to live in a society where we are free to demonstrate and express our love for one another. Even if this Valentine's Day was sans romantic love for you, I encourage you to think about all of the other forms of love you have in your life and of all of the ways these people feed your soul.

And then, heat up that T.V. dinner and be glad the damn holiday is OVER!

You + Relationship = Ass out the DOOR!

I know you're probably tired of hearing it - "He isn't going to come knocking on your door," or "She's not just going to suddenly appear on your couch," - but dagnabbit if it isn't true! Dating as we all know, is a numbers game and if you want to meet the love of your life, you need to get your ass off the sofa and out the door, ready and willing to meet as many new people as possible. It's not rocket science, the more people you meet, the closer you will be to finding that someone special.

"Yeah, yeah Kari. That all sounds fine and good, but how do I do that when I have a demanding job and kids that keep me on my toes and need me every time I turn around?" Well, I suppose, like anything else, if having a loving companion in your life is that important to you, you'll make the time and do what it takes to find them.

"But I'm not a bar person and I hate going to singles events." That's cool, no one is suggesting you become a Leisure Suit Larry barfly and end up in rehab from a growing propensity to the bottle. Not at all. Vary the places to which you go. Explore your passions and carve your social life around them and you increase the odds of meeting someone who likes the same things you do. Afterall, the ordinary places are not going to be the spots where you will meet your extraordinary better half! And that includes your couch...

Are you Going to Listen to Punxsutawney Phil This Winter? Or Will You Set Your Own Path?

Even with global warming and higher digits being seen on the handy dandy outdoor temperature gauge, it was still crappy news to hear that ol' Phil, the famous prognosticator groundhog, saw his shadow today verifying that we have 6 more weeks of dreaded winter ahead. I'm over it.

You know what I'm even more over? Having a "groundhog life" where I listen to myself ad naseum, spouting the same thoughts over and over again in my monkey mind as if this time hearing the same complaint or disparaging comment will be the time it will matter and make a difference. Guess what, I'm 41 and I'm here to say, negative self talk hasn't helped, motivated or served me yet, so why bother anymore? I'm over it.

I'm also over living in a little bubble doing the same routine over and over again - day in, day out and expecting a different outcome. Wasn't it Albert Einstein that said something about this and its correlation to insanity? I've come to realize that most people aren't afraid of dying - they're afraid of living. And I'm over being one of those in fear of taking risks, in getting off the hamster wheel and in letting go of the same old routine that was at first my friend but is now my foe!

No, at the end of December 2011, I made the concious decision that I was going to stop the madness and start to lessen up on the reins of my so-called controlled life and to throw caution to the wind and see what's out there for me. Enough is enough, I wasn't put here to be a damn groundhog (Did you know they are also referred to as a "Whistle Pig?" I'm not sure in referring to myself, which one I'm more offended by!) and I certainly wasn't meant for mediocrity, stagnation, predictability and routine. And guess what, neither are you!

What I noticed almost as soon as January 1 hit, was that even the most minor shifts from my daily routine and thoughts procured results immediately. The most minuscule outcomes from my actions (and I'm talking, receiving a free cup of coffee at the local Wawa by saying "Hi" to the manager!) motivated me and gave me the positive energy to go out into the world, research new ideas, network, meet new people and be willing to accept and embrace change in my life.

Why does minor action produce almost immediate results? Physics. Just like the law of gravity suggests that if you jump off a building, you're going to hit the ground, the law of physics claims that once an object begins moving forward, it takes on a force (energy) of its own. It almost appears too simple - once you move forward in any direction - even the "wrong" one - you will be pulled into the flow of forward-moving energy.

If you are single and wanting a mate, what energy are you communicating with the universe that you would like your soul mate to arrive? Are you putting energy forward into finding love or are you stuck on the endless tape of rewind-stop-play, rewind-stop-play, rewind-stop-play, listening to the same message over and over again? It's okay if you are, but sometimes it just takes a nudge from the ethers, (I'm happy to be of service today!) to wake you up and remind you that you're wanting something new, that makes all the difference.

When you make phone calls to inquire about a certain someone of interest, meet with someone new in the hopes of making a love connection or do research on the Internet to find out places to meet other single people, you're sending out a message to the universe that you're moving forward. And haven't we all been looking back for far too long now to know that the answers are not in our shadow's, but ahead in our energy created future's?

Here's to dumping our own Groundhog Phil's and Groundhog Phylliss's and to embracing our new, exciting and different lives'. I don't care what they say, spring is here for me!