Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Question of the Day: What was the strangest gift you ever received from a date or S.O.?

Best Gift: A precious Christmas themed music box my S.O. bought me. When he gave it to me, we were snuggled up in his car, drinking champagne (unbeknownst to my kids who were asleep inside) while it was snowing outside. He was telling me of the horrendous crowds out in the stores as he reached behind my seat and said, "But one of my highlights was when I saw this at it reminded me of you!" **Sigh!!** (...come to think of it, the Chanel bag he gave me on Christmas morning was nothing to shake a stick at either!!)

Worst Gift: The waffle iron that almost ended up boring a hole though our kitchen wall, when given to me on my 30th birthday by my ex husband!

Strangest Gift: The 6-inch platform stripper shoes my date brought to me to celebrate our first "official date." And people wonder why my cardinal rule is to never be the first date after the end of a marriage????

Monday, November 29, 2010

Question of the Day: When did online dating first begin? What is the best online dating site?

Happy Cyber Monday to all my techie single pals out there. So, did you know, the online dating craze began in April 2005 with the popular website Match.com? And supposedly as of this early this year, the site had more than 29 million singles registered in over 35 different countries? Yeouza! That's a whole lotta' lonely hearts surfin' the web!

So, what's your favorite online dating site? Why?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Question of the Day: You've been seeing someone for 6 months now and they don't want to be "friends" with you on Facebook. Is this a problem?

I received this question in my inbox from a woman today. She would like some feedback as to what this situation means. She said that she's been seeing this gentleman that she really likes, for 6 months now. She friend requested him last week and he ignored it. When she mentioned it to him, he responded with surprise and said he wanted to move past the issue and continue on with the relationship without being friends on Facebook.
For me, this raises a red flag. As Dr. Phil states, "People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing." If you're in a monogomous, romantic relationship where you continue to invest your feelings and trust in a person, nothing should be kept hidden from one another. This situation tells me that this man is keeping his significant other away from his Facebook profile because there are, most likely, some things on it he doesn't want her to see.
Like I tell my friends and associates, if something isn't feeling "right" in your relationship, it's bothering you for a reason. Further, how your partner reacts to your uneasy feelings about a topic is very telling. If they are dismissive, condescending, defensive or angry, perhaps its time to assess if your needs' are being met in this relationship and determine if its time to step away.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Question of the Day: What was the craziest thing you've seen a date do, when they didn't suspect you were watching?

Okay guys, I've got a doozie for you today. I was in a business meeting yesterday with two gentlemen and lo and behold, the subject of dating disasters gets mentioned. (...somehow my presence always seems to inspire such topics!!) One of the guys said that he had one for the books with a woman he was recently dating.

He claimed that last week, for the second time, she showed up at his door, unannounced with an overnight bag in hand. Mind you, this is not something he would normally turn away or be opposed to, but he said that he just wasn't really feelin' this woman, so her brazenness was quite off putting. To get through the night, he feigned accidentally falling asleep on the couch while watching T.V., leaving her to slumber upstairs alone in his bed.

In the morning, they each got in their cars and went their respective ways to work. When he was about 3 minutes into his commute, his phone rings and he looks at it to see that it was his neighbor. Thinking he accidentally left his garage door open or something, he quickly picks it up. His neighbor asked, "Who was that woman that just left your house?" With a little embarrassment he replied, "Oh, just some chick I'd been seeing that showed up uninvited last night for a sleepover. Why?"

"She just took your trash!"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I'm serious. After you two both took off in your cars', she came back, parked in your driveway, opened your trash can, and took a bag of trash."

"Wait a minute! What? What are you saying?"

"Dude I'm serious. I just saw it three seconds ago. She took the top bag of trash, walked around to the back of her car, put it in there and took off"

The other guy and I were staring at him in total shock and disbelief. He said, "Yeah and what's worse is that I had just cleaned out the cat box, so this woman was now driving around in her Lexus SUV with dirty, smelly cat litter stinking it up!" When I asked him what it was he thought she was hoping to learn about him by ruffling through his trash, he admitted that he had no idea, but that he had to cancel all of his credit cards in case she was trying to steal his identity.

I suggested that most likely she was trying to see if he was dating anybody else or if there were other women in the picture, but he wasn't convinced that was the case because they'd only been on a couple of dates and she never acted jealous or inquisitive. Wow! Really strange stuff out there! Goes to show, you just really never know for sure what people are capable of when they suspect you aren't looking!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Question of the Day: Are you surprised when some of the most beautiful women in the world still get cheated on?

Call me a skeptic but I have to admit, as soon as I'd heard about the Eva Longoria and Tony Parker divorce/cheating story, I wasn't at all surprised. Honestly, I hate that I'm jaded by professional athletes and their constant infidelities. I would love to one day be proven wrong that the majority of them are not cheaters, but until I am, a cynic I remain!

I keep overhearing comments like, "Wow! I can't believe that even someone as beautiful as Eva Longoria can get cheated on" but honestly, it doesn't surprise me in the least. These men are revered beyond their God given talents' and used to beautiful women throwing themselves at them. I'd like to think it's possible for a married professional athlete to remain loyal while trotting all over to globe as droves of people come on to them, but it's difficult to envision. It's just not a "natural" lifestyle.

I heard an ironic comment this morning when a listener called into my favorite radio morning show, talking about dating hot women versus plain Jane's. He admitted that whenever he's dated a really hot girl, he's had more of a propensity to cheat. When questioned about this, he said, "For whatever reason, when I'm with a really hot chick, I just feel a lot more confident and that I've totally upped my game. It's when I'm with a more plain looking girl, I feel more insecure and I end up being totally into her and all about just her."

When the d.j.'s relayed their shock about this, he went on to say, "I don't know for sure what it is, but when I'm with hot women, I guess I get cocky and feel like I can get anyone. And also, people seem to look at me like I'm more valuable because I got 'her,' so I must be able to get anybody I want. My ego gets the best of me, and I start looking around at who else I can bag."

As appalled as I was about this confession, I couldn't help but to be riveted by it and curious if many men feel the same way. Actually, on some level, I kind of "get it." It must be a huge ego boost to end up with an extremely attractive mate, and perhaps natural to think things like, "Dang, I just landed this incredibly hot person. Just think what else is out there for me?"

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Question of the Day: Is having fear while in a relationship, a good thing or a bad thing?

My personal take on this notion is that having a little bit of fear is actually a good thing in creating and maintaining a healthy relationship. I believe a small dose of fear that one could possibly lose their S.O., serves as a motivating factor for someone to stay in peak physical, emotional and intellectual shape for their partner. On the other hand, too much fear, as we know, will lead to serious problems down the road and too little paves the way for a partner feeling neglected or taken for granted. Like anything else, moderation is the key!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Question of the Day: "I live with my BF who doesn't ever want to get married. I pay him $1k in rent. How does this financially affect my future?"

The full question reads:

"I live with my boyfriend who owns his own house and I pay $1,000 in rent to him. He does not want to get married. His logic is, 'If we aren't going to have kids, why get married?' Fine. But when I think about the financial aspect of it, I'm kind of getting screwed here. I will never own my own home again due to the fact that I live with him and pay him rent. I also gave up all of my furniture since his home was already completely furnished. So, if something were to happen to him or we broke up, where does that leave me? And how do I even approach this subject to him without sounding like I want to get married or that I want his house and possessions?"

It makes sense that if two people live together, they should share monthly expenses. But, on the other hand, I completely understand this woman's concern about her future financial security. She gave up her own possessions and home in order to live with her significant other, and now she's faced with the uncertainty of what lies ahead for herself without the legal protections and privileges of marriage. Perhaps now's the appropriate time to consult with an attorney who specializes in common law??

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Question of the Day: Your BFF claims to be head-over-heels in love after dating someone for only a week. What is your initial reaction?

I'm not asking what you would say to your friend who just informed you he's/she's madly in-love after dating someone for a week, but what is your initial gut response? What's the first thing that pops into your mind? Are you immediately elated for your friend and ready to help plan the wedding? Are you skeptical? Are you annoyed? Are you cautiously optimistic?

I'll never forget when a girlfriend of mine called me up after she'd returned from a week's long vacation at a singles Club Med in Jamaica. She asked me to come over to her house while she unpacked and said, "Hurry! I have some really exciting news!" Once I arrived, she gushed on and on about meeting the most amazing man she'd ever met, while she was away and how he was the love of her life and her soon-to-be next husband.

My initial reaction was shock. I vividly recall thinking to myself, "Wait! She was only gone for a week and now she's head-over-heels in love with a Canadian whose first language is French and can barely utter a sentence in English?" I remember watching her swirl around her bedroom as she unpacked her clothes and prattled off all the details of their fast track, torrid affair.

I'll admit, it wasn't long before my state of shock turned to utter annoyance. It was especially irritating watching her flip through an English-French translation dictionary as she fantasized teaching each other their respective languages over candlelit dinners. Sure, I was happy for my dear friend, but realizing the odds of a relationship like this working out were slim to none, I couldn't help but feel critical and perturbed by her naivete. Was she so foolish as to believe this Canadian Don Juan and she were going to rendezvous somewhere in the mid-west, settle down and raise their babies amidst the corn stalks?

I confess, when she called me up deflated, admitting that Mr. Mountie and she were no longer an item because they simply had nothing in common, I felt a surge of self righteousness. Hey...I'm not proud, but at least I'm owning up to my shortcomings! I was disappointed and saddened for her that her hopes and dreams had been dashed; however, I was also hopeful she would learn from this experience and grow to be a bit more cautious with her heart in the future. And the next time she runs off to Club Med to meet handsome, romantic foreign men, she vows to take moi!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Question of the Day: If I asked you, "Do you have a Prince Albert?" would you know to what I was referring? What are your thoughts on this phenomenon?

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who was asking me my thoughts on genital piercings and if I thought they worked in stimulating their sex partners. I told him that I have absolutely no experience with this phenomenon, but since it appears to be more prevalent these days, there have got to be some folks in my corral who have. He said he was interested to hear feedback about it and would possibly consider getting one (yeeeouch), if there was resounding evidence that piercings contribute to better sex.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Question of the Day: Whose your favorite T.V. couple? Why?

Yeah, I was completely engrossed in the "Ross & Rachel" courtship/break-up, /courtship/break-up drama during the peak of the uber-popular sitcom "Friends". But they don't rank in my top 5 favorite T.V. couples because after all the hype and turmoil, they didn't even end up together. Wait...or did they???

My all time favorite T.V. couple is Mork, the alien from Ork and Mindy McConnell, from Boulder Colorado depicted in the popular late 70's, early 80's show, "Mork & Mindy." Their courtship was sweet and slow growing, ending in marriage and producing a bi-species love child of their own. I mean, how romantic, right??!!! And the martians said it would never last!

Question of the Day: Not using looks, what are your top 5 qualities that make you a GREAT partner for someone?

I hold to the notion that looks are basically the number 1 priority for men when looking for a romantic partner. I've spoken to countless guys who've admitted that they have to get past the looks first. Yes, heart and personality are important, but they are not going to approach a woman in a bar who they aren't physically attracted to.

As visual creatures, men are pretty simple! Ladies, if you're single and lookin' for Mr. Right and you've let your looks slip, I highly suggest gettin' yourself back to the gym and embarking on a new healthy eating plan. Make sure you're keeping your physical appearance in its best possible condition by maintaining your hair, nails and skin. Oh, and while you're at it, if you haven't already done so, spend the extra money and get the more expensive Crest 3D White Strips. It's worth the $50 investment for pearly whites that are sure to knock off a good 10 years on your appearance!

This all said, is it unfortunate that our society is as caught up on looks and outward appearances, as it is? Absolutely! Do I support all the hype behind plastic surgery, fad diets and eat disorders so that women can fit into the ideal of what America says is "beautiful?" No way. However, looking and feeling your best should always remain top priority. Its a form of self love when you say to yourself, "I deserve to take care of my mind, body and spirit."

Whenever I'm feeling insecure or inadequate, I grab a piece of paper and immediately start writing a list of all of the characterstics that make me a great partner for someone. And I don't limit myself. I just listen to my internal compass and let the adjectives flow as I take this time to self reflect and acknowledge my positive attributes. If you've never done something like this, its an amazing and quick self help tool that is sure to put you back into good spirits.

If you think about it, most of us incessantly fill our mind's all day long with unserving, negative self talk. This exercise is a way to change those thoughts and to help plant the seeds of nourishment so that our thoughts can become healthy in order to get us in a better feeling place. And when you think and feel good, you attract more goodness into your life. No doubt once you're done and you look at your list, you'll be saying to yourself, "Damn! I'm a great catch! I'd go out with me!"

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Question of the Day: You're in the midst of a really bad break-up/divorce, but you were BOTH invited to a friends' special event. What do you do?

My good friend is having a birthday party this weekend and he asked me for advice on the protocol for inviting guests. He wasn't sure what to do in terms of inviting his two best friend's who are in the midst of a nasty divorce. He asked if it would be appropriate to invite them both because they're equally important to him.

I told him it absolutely was appropriate to invite each of them and that it was personally up to them to determine how to handle social events going forward. After all, my feeling is, if you were going to invite them as individuals had they not ever been together, you can invite them now as such. Extending an invitation is a gesture not a demand and it isn't worth the risk of potentially hurting someone's feelings by excluding them on the guest list.

Now, as the couple, if they are in a situation where they can't stand being in the same room with one another without verbally assaulting one another, then they clearly need to steer clear of social situations. In this case, they need to agree upon who would go and who would graciously bow out. And if they can't agree, then they both don't go. Period. It's up to them to be mature enough to put their differences aside in an effort to support their mutual friend or relative.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Question of the Day: How do you tell a friend/associate that they have unrealistic expectations in a mate?

Oy! I could go on and on about the list of clients I've had that maintain ridiculously high standards in their search for a mate. When it comes to being single, its quite a challenge to give a diplomatic explanation as to why someone remains on the market because one's ego, pride and emotions feel as though they're being exposed. That said, however, sometimes a dose of reality and tough love are exactly what's in order if an individual would, in fact, like to make a change for the better in their romantic life.

I recently had a conversation with a client who was resisting the matchmaking process too much to receive any positive outcome from it. I finally had to say to him, "The people who receive the best results from this are the ones that come to me with an open, willing spirit. Don't look at meeting a date as walking down the aisle after the end of the evening. You've hired me to help you in your love life because what you were doing in the past wasn't working for you. So let go, and trust that I am here to help you, regardless of the outcome."
If I've learned nothing else from owning a singles company, I now know with 100% certainty that there will never be a dearth of overly picky single folks out there! Some people say you can never be too picky, but I couldn't disagree with this statement anymore. After all, too much of anything is usually a bad thing. I think we'd all be better off if we had more fun, laughed more often and took ourselves a lot less seriously!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Question of the Day: Guys, honestly, what does it mean when a woman you're seeing has to ask, "Where is this going?"

My personal feeling is this, ladies, if you have to ask, "Where is this going?" it means its going nowhere. I remember one time, back in my college days, I made the mistake of asking this guy I was seeing this very same question. We went out on dates, went to bars together with mutual friends, he slept over regularly, etc. So, when I foolishly asked him where this "relationship" was going, I got a slap in the face, kick in the gut, large can of whoop-ass opened on me reality check that dashed all my hopes of our happily ever romance! He responded with, "I don't want a girlfriend right now. We're in college and having fun. I want to keep my options open, so let's just keep this light and simple, okay?"
I learned a tough lesson then, but it served me well in my future dating habits. I learned that men want and need sex and they are quite effortlessly able to compartmentalize relationships, job, love, money, etc. Whereas us chicks, after sleeping with a guy, don't usually have the capacity to turn off the oxytocin effect (the hormone that causes women to become attached after kissing, hugging, cuddling and orgasm) and to not become all consumed with our lovers. I learned that it was important for me to find out his intentions before actually sleeping with him because, in the end, it would cause me a lot less heartache. And also, just because he said how much he wanted me, did not translate into, "Let's run off together and make babies."
Ladies, do yourselves a huge favor: take the pressure off you and your dates. Go out. Have a good time. Accept the dinners. Get wined and dined. It's okay if every guy you go out with isn't your soul mate. The point is to live life and to find what you're looking for. And sometimes the best way to know what it is you want, is to first determine what it is you don't want. And chances are, if you have to ask, "Where is this going?" whether you realize it or not, it's most likely something you don't want. Period.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Question of the Day: Do you believe the notion that it takes 6 mos. for every year together, to get over someone?

I usually don't subscribe to the practice of mathematical formulas applied when dealing with emotions or relationships, but I do think there is a hint of validity to this particular notion. However, I like to look at it more as a general rule of thumb and not a one-size-fits-all equation. Everybody grieves on their own timeframe, where some people take longer to get over a loved one than others.

As I tell my friends, members and clients, grief is always at 100% and you have to allow yourself the space to mourn your loss so that you can move on to healthier, happier relationships. How long it takes, is however long it takes. The best thing you can do for yourself is to sit in the pain, feel the feelings of loss and nurture yourself as you grieve. Denial will only prolong the process, but take comfort in the fact that this too shall pass!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Question of the Day: Your single, opposite sex BFF and you get along GREAT, but there is a tiny spark of chemistry. Do you go there?

I know so many people who have opposite sex friendships that, for one reason or another, don't ever cross over into romantic relationships. Take my one girlfriend out in California for example. We were at my sister's wedding, and she had invited her best guy friend as her date. Before he arrived, she was gushing on about him describing his good looks and fun personality.

I was perplexed and asked her why he was just a friend and how come they weren't actually dating? I mean, if someone is good enough to be on your arm at a wedding or function, aren't they mate material?
She admitted that they always did have a level of chemistry, but that it just never "went there." I asked if she was afraid it would ruin the friendship and she replied, "No, not really. I don't know why but neither of us have really acted upon it. I would be interested and we talk about it sometimes, but it never seems to lead to anything."

I just find this baffling but I have a lot of friends in similar circumstances. Here you have this great friend, someone whose company you really enjoy being around, you find yourself attracted to them, but.....???? What's the problem?

I mean, I'm not suggesting we "settle" and just date our closest pal because, heck, there's no one else around at the present moment and they also enjoy shot-gunning cans of Bud and belching out loud while watching the Eagles game. But I do think single folks can be too picky at times and have the propensity to overlook what's standing right in front of them! Don't you want to be married to your best friend? And isn't it just a bonus that you're attracted to them as well?
Go figure!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Question of the Day: Your new S.O. just admitted they're SEVERELY in debt. Do you consider this a sign of the times or a huge red flag?

Yep, we all know times are tough economically. Some folks have endured the toughest economic difficulty of their lives what with unemployment, stock crashes, house foreclosures and layoffs. That said, however, I have to admit if I've found myself in a newly established serious relationship and my partner declares to me he's in significant amounts of debt, I'm going to think twice before taking things to the next level.

Don't get me wrong, I am most definitely not looking for a sugar daddy and am quite determined and capable of making my own way financially. But while every situation is different, it would raise a big red flag if my partner revealed he owed mounds of money to creditors and lendors from past financial irresponsibility.

If I'm being honest, I think the last thing anyone would really want to do is date someone who is in severe debt or has disastrous credit. To me, it shows a lack of self control, planning, level headedness and maturity. And you could probably time to the exact minute when you're going to start hearing the hints about their lack of money, how much they owe on their credit cards, how austere their life now is, etc. (As in, "Can you help a brotha'/sista' out?") My theory is, if I can't afford it, I save up for it until I can!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Question of the Day: Do you think overly needy mates can be reformed?

I'm sure most of us can admit we've been the overly needy half in a past relationship or two. It happens. I'm not sure I believe that a needy mate can be reformed with their current partner because there is something, after all, about that person that is stimulating a specific response. However, I do think that over time, with some self reflection, analysis and possibly professional help, people can overcome their clingy tendencies with future companions.

No doubt, difficult circumstances and upheavals hit us up periodically throughout our lifetimes. How we relate to our friends, mates and family members is reflective of where our mental state and emotions are in reaction to these unfortunate events. When people experience trauma or stress, they often don't realize their vulnerability and end up clinging to their mate's in an illusive attempt to gain some control in their lives', where everything else feels so out of control. It takes some time, self awareness and an investment in oneself to reform their needy ways and to get on the path more independent. But, speaking as a reformed "cling-on," its definitely do-able!