Friday, December 17, 2010
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Thursday, December 16, 2010
I suppose I first need a date, but I'll figure that part out later. What are some cool ideas, places to go, things to see, etc, outside of the quintessential ball dropping parties on New Years Eve? What's the most unique or interesting NYE date you've ever been on? I guess the most romantic New Years I ever had was the year my ex husband and I attended his best friend's wedding. I wasn't sure at first how it was going to go down and if ringing in the new year would be a part of the nuptuals, but I have to say, it was the most extraordinarily nostaglic thing to witness and be a part of.
After they said their "I do's" and the processions concluded, the bride and groom got into a lovely horse drawn carriage and were whisked away, into the crisp, foggy night air, to the reception celebration. People milled around all evening with especially joyous spirits and, it would seem, increased amorous feelings towards their own dates/spouses.
Yes, I know weddings in general have a way of stimulating whimsical and loving feelings in folks; however, with the added notion of it being New Years Eve and knowing that the anticipation of midnight was looming, it somehow added to the allure and intrigue of the evening. It also took the pressure off of the concept of having to be at "the" party of the night. First of all, we all felt as though we already were, and secondly, we had bigger things to focus on. Love!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Starting in the mid-60's, "The Dating Game" hosted by Jim Lange was basically the prototype dating show for other various syndications to follow suit with a similar format. Bob Eubanks kept us laughing as he emceed "The Newlywed Game" while poking fun at newly married couples. Of course, we now have the modern day reality dating shows such as "The Bachelor/The Bachelorette" where one guy or girl gets to date several people over a 6 week period while picking off candidates and eventually ending with one potential fiance.
"Dating in the Dark" is a current dating game show with a whole new daunting twist! A bachelor and a bachelorette are placed in a dark room and forced to get to know one another while having no idea what the other looks like. They then go off, and each date other potential candidates in the dark, and at the end of the show, they're forced to pick one bachelor/bachelorette whom they want to date. Of course, when they've all made their decisions, the lights come on and, hence, the real "romantic" interest is put to the test!
Over the years, due to high interest in courting singles, there's been a plethora of popular television dating shows. That said, my favorite dating game show was and continues to be "Love Connection" hosted by the charming and witty Chuck Woolery. I remember scheduling my afternoons around catching it in time so that I could watch candidates watch clips of potential dates and the candidates' hilarious commentaries on each of them.
It was uproariously funny when a candidate would reject someone they had picked to go on a date with and the date would retort back with mudslinging, dissing and completely insulting the candidate in response. Next thing you know, the two are in a full blown verbal knock-down-drag-out, and all the while, Chuck Woolery is sitting between the "two" (the date was always behind the wall being video-taped), either looking like a deer caught in the headlights or stifling the urge to belt out a huge guffaw! Ahhh...the good ol' days of quality TV programming! :-)
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Dr. Phil had a married couple on his show today where the husband was a severe hypochondriac. The wife complained about how tiring it was always having to try assuaging his fears that he wasn't having a heart attack, didn't have a brain tumor, a rare blood disease or what-have-you. And that it's exhausting when he gets up all night long to run to the computer to check a potential ailment or disease he might have.
It got me thinking about my own personal experiences and wondering if I've ever been with a hypochondriac. I did once date a guy who was obsessed with health and fitness and would drink protein shakes and vegetable juices all day long. I mean, our daily schedule literally revolved around him having to go home to throw ingredients into a blender or juicer because, that's not exactly something you can just do on the go. He would also take vitamins and supplements by the handfuls which always baffled me, how he didn't gag on all them.
As far as dating a full-blown hypochondriac, however, I don't think I've yet to have the honors. If anything, I've been more inclined to date the guy hacking up a lung, practically on his deathbed who refuses to go to the doctor, maintaining that it's "just a bug." Sheesh...guys and their machismo! But, since the research suggests more women are hypochondriacs than men (and yet surprisingly, we're healthier!) I suppose it makes sense I haven't had the pleasure! Oh well, I shouldn't be so quick to talk! Given my track record, I'm sure Mr. Sickly will be knockin' on my door soon enough!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Question of the Day: When online dating, is it possible for an "average Joe/Josephine" to find love when so many people appear shallow?
This particular question comes from a fellow member. I have to say, I hear many complaints from people who call me up looking for matchmaking or who attend my singles events looking for another avenue when it comes to dating. These people are jaded and turned off by online dating because they feel as though they're being overlooked by the opposite sex because they don't look a certain way, make enough money, have the "right" career, etc. One gentleman in particlar I can remember saying to me, "Women seem to only want men online that make a lot of money and are 6 feet tall. How am I supposed to meet anyone on there when they pass me up right away just based on some numbers on my profile?"
Well, to be fair, this problem goes the other way too and I hear complaints from women just as much as men. They say things like, "Why do men base everything on looks? It's not always all about that and if they took the time to get to know me, as a person, they would love me for me." They also complain that they see the same faces over and over again online and feel as though "the good ones" are either already taken or don't bother with online dating.
I look at it this way, it's a technical TOOL that can enhance your dating life, but certainly not something to be utilized as a be all, end all to finding your happily ever after. Anytime you're searching and scouring the earth for your next soul mate, you not only aren't going to find him or her, you're very likely to attract a lot of "scraps" and, basically, people that aren't up to your standards. Its the old addage which I stand by, that when you give up and say, "Screw it! I'm done," its then that miraculously, the bus unloads and voila...enter lover stage left!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Question of the Day: You're on a date & a rock band pulls you up on stage. What do you choose to excel at? Lead singer? Lead guitar? Bass? Drums?
Okay, corny question, but I think it tells a lot about a person. Such as:
Lead Singer: Outgoing, courageous, not afraid to wear their heart on their sleeve, energetic and requires the limelight/center of attention
Bass: Likes being an integral part of a group, but doesn't need to be center of attention, thoughtful, smart, intuitive, organized, not averse to risk
Lead Guitar: Outgoing, witty, commands attention but doesn't demand it, clever, great attention to detail, organized, creative
Drums: On the outside looks crazy, rebellious and out of control, but internally there's a calmness and sense of serenity, loyal, caring, fun, spiritual
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Speaking from my heart, the past couple of years have been some of the most turbulent of my life. Between divorcing my best friend of 10 years, moving twice, uprooting my children to new homes and schools, having my ex move away to another country from me and our kids, financial instability (like most Americans currently), I think I'm about ready for some peace and happiness. Yep, that's what's on my wishlist to Santa this year.
Don't get me wrong, its not that I'm an unhappy person. I like to think I can smile and find moments of happiness in any given situation, but this year, I have found such value in placing little or NO value in material possessions. This year has been one of letting go and purging things that were once burdensome. I've literally no car payment (okay, I basically drive a hoopty, but for the time being, it gets me to where I need to be), when I'm not hosting events or meeting with clients, my wardrobe consists of workout gear and sneakers. I don't belong to a gym which can be a high monthly cost, but instead enjoy getting my exercise by running along the D&R Canal and going to yoga classes that are instructed by donation.
Some say these are tough times, but I have to disagree. I think these are sobering times that have helped to raise our awareness that peace and happiness come from within and that, sometimes, we can find more happiness by having less. So, I'm taking a vow this year to give only consumable gifts such as gourmet chocolates and cookies, bath and shower gels, flower arrangements, etc. I believe that true gifts are those that don't come with a burden and that serve as reminders that the recipient is so richly deserving of enjoying the present moment.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Question of the Day: Do you get a holiday gift for someone that you really like but have only had a few dates with (more than 3, less than 10)?
My answer is yes...something small, but yet "meaningful" to the two of you. Maybe something that pertains to a sweet, endearing or funny incident that happened while on one of your dates together? Perhaps a movie on DVD that they mentioned they liked complemented with a gift card to the movies? (And a touching note saying, it has to be redeemed together!) A music CD or a book that you both discussed are always safe.
One year I had been seeing a guy that I'd only been on three dates with, and he brought me a set of wine glasses that I had mentioned on our first date that I really liked. I was so touched by it because he had taken the time to really listen to my comment at dinner about the style of my wine glass and how much I liked it. That definitely scored BIG points with me! So, I think anything that signifies something that happened or they mentioned while out with you is always your best bet!
Friday, December 3, 2010
I'll never forget mine. I was with my first boyfriend and my best friend and her boyfriend. We were all besties...how cute! It was my boyfriend's birthday and we were celebrating at the theme park Great America (California's version of Six Flags). It was mid-day and we decided it was time to go on the park's landmark ride where they put a group of you in a large cage and slowly spin you around up in the air. My boyfriend's mom naively let us go on this without adult supervision, so we all thought it was the opportune time to practice our first kiss in the cage. We thought it wouldn't "count" if the boys used their hands as shields between our lips. And so, Derek put his hand over his mouth and placed it on my lips. Well wouldn't ya just know?? In the midst of our faux make out session, he slowly took his hand away and alas, I suddenly found myself engaged in my very first kiss! Oh, the memories!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Question of the Day: What's the ONE song that instantly takes you back to an amazing moment with an S.O.?
I have too many songs that spur a visceral response from the ol' love memory banks, that it makes it difficult to choose just one. Let's see:
I'll never forget when my very first boyfriend in high school danced for me and performed the complementing hand gestures to Prince's "I Would Die for You." As I sat, blushing and giggling on his couch, I feigned embarrassment but secretly my stomach somersaulted and I thought I my heart was going to explode from sheer excitement!
"Poor Some Sugar on Me" takes me right back to the Def Leppard concert where I rocked out on the lawn with my first true love as we canoodled and kissed all night long!
"I Found Someone" by Cher puts me on the plane to Mazatlan, Mexico for my senior trip,as I envisioned finding someone to replace said aforementioned boyfriend who, just the day before, broke my heart!
Omigod, and I could never forget the moments I shared with a college boyfriend whenever he played Sade's "I Gave You All the Love" while we mac'd out on his black leather sofa! Whew!
A more recent memory is jarred whenever I hear "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock which puts me in the passenger seat of my boyfriend's car, from 2 summers ago, and him staring at me when Kid bellows, "Man, I'd love to see that girl again!"
Ahhh...good times, good times!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I have a girlfriend who is being pursued by a guy who continually posts things on her Facebook wall about lavish trips he wants to take her on, popular concerts he wants to take her to, day spa treatments he wants to indulge her in, etc. She says that the most annoying thing is, she knows he's completely full of it and not someone who can put his money where his mouth is, so to speak.
And that everytime she responds and takes the bait, he suddenly has to cancel or comes up with some lame excuse as to why it can't happen! It's just SO obvious to her he's all talk and trying to woo her by default. Ha...as if us women were so naive!! She says its even worse and adding insult to injury when he's inviting her to juvenile or unappealing things because he's clearly just showboating and not interested in her likes and desires.
I know another woman who is basically throwing herself at a love interest of hers' as she literally stalks his every move on Facebook and Foursquare. She knows he likes to cook, so she purposely puts things in her status update about the "gourmet" meal she's in the middle of cooking (ie. "ordering") and leaves seductive messages on his wall like what she's wearing and what-not. I asked the guy if he found it flattering and he said one one hand it is, but on the other, its just so dang annoying because she's not picking up the clue phone that he's JUST NOT THAT INTO her!!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Best Gift: A precious Christmas themed music box my S.O. bought me. When he gave it to me, we were snuggled up in his car, drinking champagne (unbeknownst to my kids who were asleep inside) while it was snowing outside. He was telling me of the horrendous crowds out in the stores as he reached behind my seat and said, "But one of my highlights was when I saw this at it reminded me of you!" **Sigh!!** (...come to think of it, the Chanel bag he gave me on Christmas morning was nothing to shake a stick at either!!)
Worst Gift: The waffle iron that almost ended up boring a hole though our kitchen wall, when given to me on my 30th birthday by my ex husband!
Strangest Gift: The 6-inch platform stripper shoes my date brought to me to celebrate our first "official date." And people wonder why my cardinal rule is to never be the first date after the end of a marriage????
Monday, November 29, 2010
Happy Cyber Monday to all my techie single pals out there. So, did you know, the online dating craze began in April 2005 with the popular website Match.com? And supposedly as of this early this year, the site had more than 29 million singles registered in over 35 different countries? Yeouza! That's a whole lotta' lonely hearts surfin' the web!
So, what's your favorite online dating site? Why?
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Question of the Day: You've been seeing someone for 6 months now and they don't want to be "friends" with you on Facebook. Is this a problem?
Monday, November 22, 2010
Question of the Day: What was the craziest thing you've seen a date do, when they didn't suspect you were watching?
He claimed that last week, for the second time, she showed up at his door, unannounced with an overnight bag in hand. Mind you, this is not something he would normally turn away or be opposed to, but he said that he just wasn't really feelin' this woman, so her brazenness was quite off putting. To get through the night, he feigned accidentally falling asleep on the couch while watching T.V., leaving her to slumber upstairs alone in his bed.
In the morning, they each got in their cars and went their respective ways to work. When he was about 3 minutes into his commute, his phone rings and he looks at it to see that it was his neighbor. Thinking he accidentally left his garage door open or something, he quickly picks it up. His neighbor asked, "Who was that woman that just left your house?" With a little embarrassment he replied, "Oh, just some chick I'd been seeing that showed up uninvited last night for a sleepover. Why?"
"She just took your trash!"
"What? What are you talking about?"
"I'm serious. After you two both took off in your cars', she came back, parked in your driveway, opened your trash can, and took a bag of trash."
"Wait a minute! What? What are you saying?"
"Dude I'm serious. I just saw it three seconds ago. She took the top bag of trash, walked around to the back of her car, put it in there and took off"
The other guy and I were staring at him in total shock and disbelief. He said, "Yeah and what's worse is that I had just cleaned out the cat box, so this woman was now driving around in her Lexus SUV with dirty, smelly cat litter stinking it up!" When I asked him what it was he thought she was hoping to learn about him by ruffling through his trash, he admitted that he had no idea, but that he had to cancel all of his credit cards in case she was trying to steal his identity.
I suggested that most likely she was trying to see if he was dating anybody else or if there were other women in the picture, but he wasn't convinced that was the case because they'd only been on a couple of dates and she never acted jealous or inquisitive. Wow! Really strange stuff out there! Goes to show, you just really never know for sure what people are capable of when they suspect you aren't looking!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Question of the Day: Are you surprised when some of the most beautiful women in the world still get cheated on?
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Question of the Day: "I live with my BF who doesn't ever want to get married. I pay him $1k in rent. How does this financially affect my future?"
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Question of the Day: Your BFF claims to be head-over-heels in love after dating someone for only a week. What is your initial reaction?
I confess, when she called me up deflated, admitting that Mr. Mountie and she were no longer an item because they simply had nothing in common, I felt a surge of self righteousness. Hey...I'm not proud, but at least I'm owning up to my shortcomings! I was disappointed and saddened for her that her hopes and dreams had been dashed; however, I was also hopeful she would learn from this experience and grow to be a bit more cautious with her heart in the future. And the next time she runs off to Club Med to meet handsome, romantic foreign men, she vows to take moi!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Question of the Day: If I asked you, "Do you have a Prince Albert?" would you know to what I was referring? What are your thoughts on this phenomenon?
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Question of the Day: Not using looks, what are your top 5 qualities that make you a GREAT partner for someone?
I hold to the notion that looks are basically the number 1 priority for men when looking for a romantic partner. I've spoken to countless guys who've admitted that they have to get past the looks first. Yes, heart and personality are important, but they are not going to approach a woman in a bar who they aren't physically attracted to.
As visual creatures, men are pretty simple! Ladies, if you're single and lookin' for Mr. Right and you've let your looks slip, I highly suggest gettin' yourself back to the gym and embarking on a new healthy eating plan. Make sure you're keeping your physical appearance in its best possible condition by maintaining your hair, nails and skin. Oh, and while you're at it, if you haven't already done so, spend the extra money and get the more expensive Crest 3D White Strips. It's worth the $50 investment for pearly whites that are sure to knock off a good 10 years on your appearance!
This all said, is it unfortunate that our society is as caught up on looks and outward appearances, as it is? Absolutely! Do I support all the hype behind plastic surgery, fad diets and eat disorders so that women can fit into the ideal of what America says is "beautiful?" No way. However, looking and feeling your best should always remain top priority. Its a form of self love when you say to yourself, "I deserve to take care of my mind, body and spirit."
Whenever I'm feeling insecure or inadequate, I grab a piece of paper and immediately start writing a list of all of the characterstics that make me a great partner for someone. And I don't limit myself. I just listen to my internal compass and let the adjectives flow as I take this time to self reflect and acknowledge my positive attributes. If you've never done something like this, its an amazing and quick self help tool that is sure to put you back into good spirits.
If you think about it, most of us incessantly fill our mind's all day long with unserving, negative self talk. This exercise is a way to change those thoughts and to help plant the seeds of nourishment so that our thoughts can become healthy in order to get us in a better feeling place. And when you think and feel good, you attract more goodness into your life. No doubt once you're done and you look at your list, you'll be saying to yourself, "Damn! I'm a great catch! I'd go out with me!"
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Question of the Day: You're in the midst of a really bad break-up/divorce, but you were BOTH invited to a friends' special event. What do you do?
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Question of the Day: How do you tell a friend/associate that they have unrealistic expectations in a mate?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Question of the Day: Guys, honestly, what does it mean when a woman you're seeing has to ask, "Where is this going?"
My personal feeling is this, ladies, if you have to ask, "Where is this going?" it means its going nowhere. I remember one time, back in my college days, I made the mistake of asking this guy I was seeing this very same question. We went out on dates, went to bars together with mutual friends, he slept over regularly, etc. So, when I foolishly asked him where this "relationship" was going, I got a slap in the face, kick in the gut, large can of whoop-ass opened on me reality check that dashed all my hopes of our happily ever romance! He responded with, "I don't want a girlfriend right now. We're in college and having fun. I want to keep my options open, so let's just keep this light and simple, okay?"
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Question of the Day: Do you believe the notion that it takes 6 mos. for every year together, to get over someone?
I usually don't subscribe to the practice of mathematical formulas applied when dealing with emotions or relationships, but I do think there is a hint of validity to this particular notion. However, I like to look at it more as a general rule of thumb and not a one-size-fits-all equation. Everybody grieves on their own timeframe, where some people take longer to get over a loved one than others.
As I tell my friends, members and clients, grief is always at 100% and you have to allow yourself the space to mourn your loss so that you can move on to healthier, happier relationships. How long it takes, is however long it takes. The best thing you can do for yourself is to sit in the pain, feel the feelings of loss and nurture yourself as you grieve. Denial will only prolong the process, but take comfort in the fact that this too shall pass!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Question of the Day: Your single, opposite sex BFF and you get along GREAT, but there is a tiny spark of chemistry. Do you go there?
I know so many people who have opposite sex friendships that, for one reason or another, don't ever cross over into romantic relationships. Take my one girlfriend out in California for example. We were at my sister's wedding, and she had invited her best guy friend as her date. Before he arrived, she was gushing on about him describing his good looks and fun personality.
I was perplexed and asked her why he was just a friend and how come they weren't actually dating? I mean, if someone is good enough to be on your arm at a wedding or function, aren't they mate material? She admitted that they always did have a level of chemistry, but that it just never "went there." I asked if she was afraid it would ruin the friendship and she replied, "No, not really. I don't know why but neither of us have really acted upon it. I would be interested and we talk about it sometimes, but it never seems to lead to anything."
I just find this baffling but I have a lot of friends in similar circumstances. Here you have this great friend, someone whose company you really enjoy being around, you find yourself attracted to them, but.....???? What's the problem?
I mean, I'm not suggesting we "settle" and just date our closest pal because, heck, there's no one else around at the present moment and they also enjoy shot-gunning cans of Bud and belching out loud while watching the Eagles game. But I do think single folks can be too picky at times and have the propensity to overlook what's standing right in front of them! Don't you want to be married to your best friend? And isn't it just a bonus that you're attracted to them as well? Go figure!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Question of the Day: Your new S.O. just admitted they're SEVERELY in debt. Do you consider this a sign of the times or a huge red flag?
Monday, November 1, 2010
I'm sure most of us can admit we've been the overly needy half in a past relationship or two. It happens. I'm not sure I believe that a needy mate can be reformed with their current partner because there is something, after all, about that person that is stimulating a specific response. However, I do think that over time, with some self reflection, analysis and possibly professional help, people can overcome their clingy tendencies with future companions.
No doubt, difficult circumstances and upheavals hit us up periodically throughout our lifetimes. How we relate to our friends, mates and family members is reflective of where our mental state and emotions are in reaction to these unfortunate events. When people experience trauma or stress, they often don't realize their vulnerability and end up clinging to their mate's in an illusive attempt to gain some control in their lives', where everything else feels so out of control. It takes some time, self awareness and an investment in oneself to reform their needy ways and to get on the path more independent. But, speaking as a reformed "cling-on," its definitely do-able!
Friday, October 29, 2010
We've all seen the ubiquitous "I Dream of Jeannie & Major Nelson," "Fred & Wilma Flintstone," and Doctor & Nurse couple's costumes out there. And I'm sure this year, we'll see our share of "Snookie & Situation" and "Barrack and Michelle Obama" get-ups. But I have to say, the cutest and most original couples costume I've ever seen was a woman dressed as a brick and her beau as a bricklayer! It was even more hilarious when he would dip his spatula in his cement can, scoop up a dollop of "cement" (cool whip food colored in gray) and periodically feed his brick house! Some people are so clever!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Question of the Day: Is it possible to fall in love with someone online who lives in another country?
I keep hearing about these International online scam artists who seduce women by professing their undying love for them, and then attempt to swindle money out of them. Supposedly they use excuses like, their parent is really sick and they need help paying for medication or Chemo for them. Or he just lost his job and will come to see her if she wires him the money to come to the U.S. and he will reimburse her when he gets here. I mean crazy stuff!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Pulling from some of my own "first date" experiences, here are a few favorite conversation topics that my dates have posed in an effort to get to know me better and to help ease the tension. What I like so much about each subjects is, not only was it a great way to get me interested in him, but it showed a genuine interest in me as a person, which I can assure you, practically every woman enjoys.
- "What kind of man/woman are you attracted to?" - Not only is this some very valuable information that you can glean from your date, I believe it also shows a huge sign of confidence to ask. It's basically a way to "qualify the buyer" and let's your date know that if you can't live up to their expectations, then perhaps they aren't the right person for you or vice versa. Once you know what kind of person they're attracted to and some of your own characteristics meet those requirements, you can then let those traits shine through as you get to know one another better.
- Friends - Women love to talk about their girlfriends and from what I can tell, men enjoy it too. It's a fun and safe topic, so simply ask your date about their circle of friends. Talk about how they met, what they like to do when they hang out together, the good times they've had, places they have been, etc. The great thing about this topic is it shows you the type of person they are, by the friends that they surround themselves with. For example, guys, if a woman is going on ad naseum about her girlfriend's high drama-filled lives', chances are, she's coming with her own bag of theatrics that you may very well want to steer clear of.
- Free Time - Asking your date what they enjoy doing in their free time is very important information to know to determine if you have any common interests. As I always say, birds of a feather flock together and truly compatible couples share similar interests.
- Siblings - Most people have a brother or sister so this is a very neutral and interesting topic for discussion. I always enjoy when a man looks me in the eyes from across the table and asks me about my family or my relationship with my siblings. I feel it just shows such an earnest interest in me as a person and in what type of household I grew up. Your date will usually be willing and open to talk about their brother or sister, and even if it's not positive feedback, it will give you a lot more insight about your date, including their emotional availability.
- Vacation or trips - In general, people like to talk about the places they have been and their travel experiences. It's always fun to talk about similar places the two of you have been or where you would like to go. I, personally, love when my dates get me to talk about the places I would like to visit. And what's really cool is when your date mentions some places you've been to as well, and you both can share your experiences. This usually ends up being a great compatibility test, I have found because when two people are as passionate about a destination, it creates sparks!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Question of the Day: What was the longest you stayed in a relationship that you knew you were better off leaving?
We've all done it, stayed too long in a bad relationship. Do we do this because we're putting off the inevitable pain of the break-up? Are some of us just too scared to be alone, so we choose to stay in less than satisfying relationships? Perhaps there's family or societal pressure to keep the union intact. For whatever reason, many people convince themselves that having this relationship in their lives' is better than not and that the change of ending it, would just be too much to endure.
My constant phrase is, "As long as you are staying with the wrong person, the door remains bolted shut for the right one to enter." It's Universal law that in order for a good thing to enter your life, the bad one that's holding its space, must first be removed. I feel its worth experiencing a bit of pain, discomfort and inconvenience of ending a bad relationship upfront, than staying too long in something that's a deadend. And the longer it lags on, the more you're investing in this person and delaying your own liberation and ultimate happiness.
So if you're currently in a relationship that isn't making you happy, you should seriously consider ending it. If you're staying for your partner you ought to realize that you aren't doing this person any favors by staying with them out of pity. And actually, you're deceiving them by allowing them to think that you're committed to them when really, you aren't - at least in your heart.
Maybe you aren't ready to take the plunge just yet, so try envisioning what your life would look like without this partnership. Are you freer? Happier? Uninhibited? Joyous? When it comes to dating and relationships, I feel you're much better off being alone and unattached than being with someone who doesn't inherently make you happy. Afterall, you have the ability to make yourself happy, and a happy person is very attractive, so it won't be long until the right person comes along!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Question of the Day: How would you feel if your S.O. went to a party without you, while knowing their ex was going to be there?
Well, this did not sit too well with me which I relayed to her. She said she was trying to be understanding as he was upfront and honest about everything and hopeful he would make a quick appearance and leave. I told her it raised a red flag that she wasn't invited with him, in fact, asked not to come, but that it was a first time offense and perhaps a last. I told her she had every right to voice her concerns and to let him know that if it happened again, she would not be as understanding.
Overall, I think its fine for ex-partners to remain friends so long as the relationship is completely platonic and emotionally void of lingering romantic feelings. To alleviate concerns, new S.O.'s should be introduced as soon as possible to ex partners whom remain friendly in an effort to show complete transparency. Afterall, those you have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
When I'm in love (or "deep like"), I'm a mushy gushy, all or nothin' type of gal. I'm the type that my feelings take over and I just can't help myself from wanting to touch, hold hands or kiss my mate in public. For me, it's an outward demonstration of my feelings and emotions for that person. I have, however, dated people that just weren't into the PDA thing. It was difficult and truth be told, I just didn't "get it." This person said they were into me, enjoyed my company, was physically attracted to me, and yet, when we were out in public, the displays of appreciation seemed to fall by the way.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type where people from across a crowded bar shout out, "Get a room!" to me and my mate, but I do require some form of physical closeness demonstrated. It's a sign not only to others, but to me as well that says, "I'm with you, I adore you and I'm proud enough to show off my feelings for you." If someone is completely against outward displays of affection, generally that's a very good warning sign for me that our personalities probably won't mesh. I'm very open, carefree, affectionate and fun and I'm a big believer that "birds of a feather flock together."
A woman in my database recently wrote me with this question and shared her story of a guy she was recently dating. She said when she asked him for a little bit of affection outside of the bedroom, he said that he wasn't the guy for her and that she was asking for too much. She asked me if I thought she was being unreasonable asking this guy to hold her hand out in public and my response was, "Nope! But I think he summed it up perfectly, he's not the guy for you!"
I went on to say that anytime someone tells you that you're asking for too much out of the relationship, then its a big red flag that perhaps its time to assess things and to possibly move on. And anybody whose going to work through inevitable conflicts in your relationship will stick around to resolve them. Period! Not only that, if someone can't hold your hand, kiss or embrace you when people are around, what's the point of being in a relationship?
Again, you don't need to be groping up on one another and making others uncomfortable to be around you, but if you can't show a little affection once in awhile to your partner, what's really the point? Afterall, we go into relationships looking for support, companionship and love. It seems only logical that we relax, enjoy the sensations of love and show what we're feeling about our partners to others.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Question of the Day: If your best friend was too picky in finding a mate and had unrealistic expectations in what they wanted in a partner, what advice would you give them?
I ask this question today because as a matchmaker, its a common theme in my business. I receive phone calls daily from folks looking to me to help them find love. Most of the people I speak with are very down-to-earth, open and receptive to my feedback on what they should be doing and focusing upon to help them find a mate. These are the individuals who willingly embrace their current life circumstances and remain open to what type of person will be attracted to them as well. Its clients such as these that encounter the best results through matchmaking, because they allow and trust the process to naturally flow and take its course.
This said, however, every now and again I do speak with someone who has unrealistic expectations in what they feel they should have in a partner. These are the folks who come to me with a stern check-list of what they're looking for. Typically, they've been single for many years (on average 8+), admit to being "picky" and tend to be more defensive and, what I like to call, "blocked." They usually become quite defensive when asked why they're still single, complain about "what's out there," and often say things like, "Well, I'm not going to settle!"
I'm not sure if its an entitlement attitude, a defense mechanism, fear of rejection or a little bit of all of the above, but it intrigues me each and every time. The human spirit is so adaptable, loving and forgiving and yet, the ego seems to be our own worst enemy. I know I've been just as guilty of holding steadfast to ideals of what my mate must possess, and its finally dawned on me that I'm only hurting my own chances of finding love by being so stubborn.
Its only been until recently that I've put aside my own ego and examined exactly why it is I feel certain characteristics are a must. When I pick apart each trait that I feel is a requisite, I realize that when it comes to love, true love, I really am just selling myself short if I'm fixated on something so meaningless like height, hair (or lack thereof), income, etc. If we're really expecting someone to be a pefect 10, shouldn't we be holding ourselves' to the same standards?
It was quite sobering when I took that finger, pointed it directly back at myself and realized (**Gasp!!** alert the media), I'm not perfect! How the hell can I demand the heavens to open up and the love Gods to send down my male equivalent when I, myself, wasn't exactly the absolute be-all-end all celestial being? And iccckkkk!! There's only room enough for one diva in this relationship, no I will not be sharing my mirror, and I'll be right back because I have some changing to do and don't want to be dating myself right now, thank you very much!
Friday, October 15, 2010
With each new client meeting I have or online dating horror story I hear, seems Internet dating has reached its zenith and lately becoming a concept more eschewed than embraced. From the men I often hear, "Online dating is just not working for me. I'm either not seeing much quality out there or the women I do reach out to, don't even bother to respond!"
Conversely, women seem to complain about the dearth of new faces online and about seeing the same "inventory" of profiles over and over. I think its also more difficult for single women because there are so many more of them compared to single men, so the competition's fierce! If they aren't showing photos of themselves taken last week in the Bahamas, weighing no more than 120 pounds, with their long locks flowing in the breeze as they work on their doctoral dissertations, they're not gettin' dates!
Let's face it, when it comes to chemistry or that "je ne sais quoi," the odds of finding it over the Internet are slim to none. I was recently having this conversation with a new client of mine who was being extremely particular about the "type" of woman he wanted me to set him up with. When I asked him if he would have ever dated his former serious girlfriend based on an online profile alone, he admitted that he wouldn't. I asked him why not and he said, "Because based on her picture alone, I would've thought that I wouldn't have been attracted to her. It was everything about her, including her smarts and business sense, that I really fell in love with."
So, sometimes it goes to show, good ol' fashioned dating (You know, the kind where you're either set up based on commonalities or you meet someone out randomly?) really is where the magic happens! All I know is, either way, you can't manufacture something on "paper," put it out there for the singles masses to see and expect that, voila, your work is done! That suddenly you'll hear that familiar "you've got mail" tone and Prince Charming is on the other end offering to sweep you up off your feet. Would it be nice? Sure! But let's get real, when it comes to dating, your best bet is sticking to what's worked for the past generations. Leave technology to the Bill Gates and Meg Whitmans of the world, put yourself together and get out there in the real-time cosmos!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I received a frantic call this morning from an old high school friend who was very upset over a woman. He told me he'd met her online and they'd been communicating now for over a year. Although they hadn't met yet in person, they were becoming very close and communicated daily either via texts, phone calls or Skype messaging. I asked him why he was so upset and he said, "Because this is the second time I've gone so far as to book flights, a rental car and hotel room to go and see her, and she panics and cancels on me at the last minute! Only this time was worse because I actually made it to the airport and checked my bags in already!"
Another woman from my club told me that she made plans with a guy to go on a date and he called her up the last minute and cancelled due to a "work conflict." She said she wasn't sure she bought the story, but when he came crawling back around again, decided to go against her better judgement and give it another try. The day they were to go out, she changed around her work schedule to get off early, rushed home, got herself all dolled up and ready to go. When 7 o'clock arrived, she waited and waited and waited. Needless to say, the baffoon never showed up and didn't even have the common courtesy to call her this time with some lame excuse!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Question of the Day: At what point does a friendship with the opposite sex, cross over into an emotional affair?
I was saddened, yet albeit not totally surprised, by the news of the recent celebrity marriage break-up, between Courtney Cox and David Arquette. Supposedly on Howard Stern, David had disclosed that, although he had also been unfaithful, Courtney had been having an emotional affair with one of her co-stars on "Cougar Town" for sometime now. I'm assuming by this term, he's making the reference that they were emotionally "involved" without a physical relationship.
This topic really got me dissecting the term "emotional affair." If you think about it, its wrought with all sorts of innuendo and gray area. I mean, just because we find ourselves one day in a monogomous relationship, doesn't ultimately mean we can no longer have friendships with the opposite sex. And just because you work closely with someone daily, doesn't automatically make for a recipe of an instant affair.
If you are either married or in a relationship, and you have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex, at what point would that relationship cross over into an emotional affair? Is it the first sign of a physical reaction when around them such as butterflies in the stomach or sexual chemistry? Would harmless flirting be considered an affair? Is it after the two of you share personal information about yourself and/or your relationship with your partner? When, exactly, do you feel that the lines get crossed from a friendly companionship into an an inappropriate emotional relationship?
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Question of the Day: When with someone you're newly dating, what's the worst thing a friend or family member has said in front of them about you?
Just spoke with a good friend of mine this morning whose been seeing a new woman now for several weeks. He was lamenting the fact that when he brought her around to his parent's house, his dad completely threw him under the bus by criticizing some of his habits. I asked him what he meant, and he said that they were all standing around in the kitchen and his dad started making comments about his unhealthy, sedentary lifestyle and poor eating habits. I said to him that didn't sound like that big of a deal and he responded with, "Yeah, it gets worse! He goes on to remind her that I'm 10 years older than her and if I don't start changing my ways, I'm going to die soon!"
I couldn't help but to crack up at the absurdity of this as my friend is only 36! We both laughed but he said he didn't find it at all amusing at the time and felt he didn't need any help in implanting doubt in the woman's mind about his life span, or lack thereof! It got me thinking and wondering myself what the worst thing anyone has ever said in front of a new significant other and I'd have to bequeath my daughter honorary membership into the mudslinger's club.
The minute details are just all too embarrassing, but she found much amusement in retelling the story in front of a guy I was seeing, of the time when I came in from a long run on a steamy summer day. Again, no use in dithering over the details, but let's just say, if you're a runner and you've overdone it, sometimes the body takes over and does what it wants to do without your approval and/or consent. Both my kids were in stitches at my inability to reach "the facilities" in time and cracked up for days on end about it.
I'll never forget that mortifying moment when out of her lips comes, "Did my mom ever tell you about the time when she came in from a really long run?" It was like a slow motion, bad dream flashback where I'm trying to run and can't get anywhere while screaming "Noooooooooooooo!!!" I've never actually felt my face grow more flush, than when she told this story in full detail in front of this new guy; whom I just so happened to really like!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Question of the Day: Why do some people say they aren't ready for a relationship, yet they continue to date?
This question is derived from the multiple conversations I've had with members of my organization who say things like, "I started dating this guy who told me he didn't want a serious relationship, but then he does things that show me signs that he really does!" Or, "I understand she's not looking to get into a real heavy relationship right now, but I just want to spend more time with her."
People, I have to urge you here to please listen when people talk. If a guy says upfront, "Look, I like you but I'm not interested in a serious relationship right now," do yourself a huge favor and believe him! No, you aren't going to be able to turn on enough charm and charisma to get him to fall madly in love with you, resulting in his change of heart. If he does, great, but its not likely to happen. Further, if what you're looking for is a serious relationship, you're better off to cut your losses now and move on. This way you can focus your energy into the direction of something you want versus trying to force an outcome that's likely to end in frustration and hurt.
I think a lot of times when someone is emotionally vested in a person, they tend to hear what they want to hear. Been there, done that. I get it! But, your best bet in the dating scene is to be brutally honest with yourself when you hear or see things that someone is showing you, regardless of the sad feeling it produces. And the reality is, if someone tells you they aren't ready yet to settle down, it has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. Perhaps when they're ready or in a better space for something more serious, the right person at the right time will show up. Regardless, its not your job to figure it out! Focus on yourself, your wants and desires and all will fall into place perfectly for you. Like my pal Wayne Dyer says, "Everything is on purpose."
Friday, October 8, 2010
Question of the Day: When it comes to dating, why do we get "the butterflies" over some people and not others?
Today I was envisioning the past few years and the myriad experiences, sensations, and feelings I've had with the colorful array of men I've gone out with. Some guys triggered feelings of comfort, safety and ease while others generated excitement, anticipation and sheer giddiness. I have to say, however, it was the rare (and typically unexpected) guy that could provoke the effect of feeling butterflies twittering around in my stomach!
Why is it that we can have wonderful, admiring feelings for somone, enjoy their company but not get "the butterflies" when with them? Why does this phenomenon discriminate for specific people only? Okay, scientifically I know its when you get an adrenaline rush and your blood starts pumping faster making your arteries and veins widen and shrink. And that it happens around your stomach area making you have "the butterflies"...yeah, yeah, yeah. But what is it about a particular person that has the ability to cause this response versus someone who doesn't?
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Question of the Day: Guys, what do you think of the new "Big Bangs" haircut for women? Gals, what's your take on the "Cool Messy" (think Robert Pattinson) cut for guys?
Anyways, I digress...do most guys like this look? I've heard mixed reviews but I think on the whole, most man prefer long, natural and flowing locks sans bangs. I'm curious to find the results to my little informal poll here.
What about for the women? What do y'all think of the new "cool messy" haircuts sported by the likes of Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner? Personally, I look at them and just wanna run my fingers all up in those lucious mane's of theirs'! Hell, these guys were blessed with such amazing hair, they could practically rock any hairstyle and look amazing!
Okay, let the tallying begin...
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Question of the Day: If your best friend who's single, moved across country, what advice would you give him/her for dating in their new city?
Today I have the privilege of being on my girlfriend's web show "Karith Foster: America's Girlfriend" where I will give dating advice and tips to Karith, who recently moved all the way from New York City to Los Angeles. Karith's move alone must've been traumatic enough in itself because, let's face it, comparing the two locales is like apples to oranges. The emotional toll on such a drastic move is one thing, but then sprinkling a dose of dating in a strange, new city, is an altogether different one.
Karith is known for poking fun at herself for being single and makes claims such as, "Apparently I'm always single!" and now she must face the new challenge of being unattached and exploring her singlehood in a brand new and unfamiliar city. When thinking about Karith's predicament, I imagine my life 10 years from now and as if it were my own daughter who found herself moving away to afar off place like, say Paris or Rome, and the advice I would possibly give to her about dating in her new city.
I could imagine saying, "Lilly, first and foremost, follow that undercurrent of excitement and adventure that drives you to explore your newfound place. Let go of any demands of finding your soul mate right now, and just focus on yourself and what you would like to see and accomplish while you are there. Go to museums, try new foods, meet new people, go online and find out the nighttime hotspots and allow yourself this time to be open and receptive to what comes your way."
Luckily, the invention of the Internet gives Karith a huge advantage for researching places, clubs, activities and local hotspots that appeal to her in L.A. Furthermore, the Web doesn’t just let her research the places she will go, but the people that she'll meet. I love online networking sites such as Meetup.com and Facebook, because they allow a person to meet and chat with potential neighbors that share similar interests, no matter where in the world they are.
The really awesome thing about coming to a new city is that you bring yourself along with you; and this time around you get to bring "the new you!" By that I mean, you get to choose the part of you that you want to join you in your new adventures while leaving behind the old you that engaged in unserving, bad habits. Dating in a new city, no doubt can be unsettling and daunting, but I would urge anybody to take their best with them, share it and live it out loud. Heck, you were bold enough to make this big move, so might as well go forward with gusto and not be afraid to be unabashedly your new and improved self!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Question of the Day: When sick, do you prefer to be nursed back to health by a lover or left alone to convalesce?
I know a lot of people (eh hem...MEN!) who, when sick, feel the need to be nurtured and nursed back to health regardless of how they look or feel. For me, this is a toughie. I enjoy being catered to and taken care of as much as the next girl, but if its someone I'm newly dating and don't know very well I'm not so inclined. It's completely too mortifying having him seeing me look and smell like road kill! I mean, migod, heaven forbid that image gets permanently tatooed in his head!
But then again, remember the scene from "Fever Pitch" starring Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon where they just started dating and she comes down with food poisoning and gets violently ill for two days? Who wouldn't want a guy like that who sees you beyond your worse and everytime you open your eyes, he's at your beck and call? I mean, hell, if someone could still be into you after holding your hair back while you puke and cleans up your snotty tissues, I'd say that's a pretty good sign!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Current day, however, I'm going with Alicia Keys' "Un-thinkable." Yyyyyep, that song really does things for me! Hmmm...thinkin' I'm needing to figure out how I'm gonna make some new memories with that one! Holla!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Being a former high school cheerleader myself, I would have originally said, for sure the rah-rahs get all the action; however, after being in the singles scene for sometime now and hearing the myriad stories, i'm definitely changing my vote. Man, I hear some crazy stories from former band members and those kids had some serious freaky-deaky action goin' on! Who knew??